Here I Go Again, On My Own

The sun has yet to begin to rise and already I am awake, as usual. I have been up for quite a while now, thinking long and hard on my life. Last night I called into a ABA meeting, of which the topic hit quite home with me, almost as if the Universe was screaming: “Candace!! We are talking to YOOOUU!!” The topic was the Twelth Step, since it was the first Wednesday of the month, but the meeting was more geared towards helping others by sharing your experience, strength, and hope. Basically, what I realized boils down to this: I use activism sometimes to be able to put the focus off of my own issues I may be dealing with at the moment. A few days ago I described my last few months, and how I had taken some time for myself. This is all find and good, but the fact of the matter is, it was not near long enough. I have been battling this disease since I was 5 years old..I am 18 now. A few weeks is not near enough time to even get one foot planted firmly in my recovery. So, with this said, it is with a lot of pondering and a heavy heart that I have decided to take more time to find myself. I will not be posting on my blog/YouTube channel for a while, using that time to work on my own issues and current circumstances. There is a lot going on in my life right now and the past few days have been rather difficult for me. My depression has reared its ugly head yet again, my eating is becoming a bigger struggle, and overall, I just feel worthless. I have my head on straight enough to be able to see that these are some of the many prerequisites to a relapse..and that is something I WILL NOT ALLOW TO HAPPEN. Thus, I am going to take some time to really, truly focus on myself. My thanks goes out to you all for all of your support and love, and I promise, I will be back soon. This was a very difficult decision for me to make, considering how vital my recovery outreach is to me, but I know that I cannot possibly help people if I fall into relapse, or worse, death. All my love until I write again, and please do not hesitate to contact me if you need someone to which to listen/talk. You can reach me on here, message me, or text/call. Thank you all for understanding during this challenging time. ❤ Stay strong, my dearests.

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~ by candyshele1204 on December 6, 2012.

2 Responses to “Here I Go Again, On My Own”

  1. We’ll miss you! Good luck 🙂

  2. I hope you’re ongoing hiatus has been good to you thus far; if not I certainly hope it will soon.

    Knowing the pain of depression, I know how dangerous periods of rumination can be on, on the soul and mind. It’s clear you’re well aware of all this too.

    A book I read recently, one I wished I had read during troubled times, is Shawn Smith’s – Guide to the Human Mind. It explains why we get depressed, anxious and what to do about. It’s not one of those trivial self-help books. It’s well worth a read. At the very least it help you further understand the motives of your brain.

    Continued suffering and anguish will increase your capacity for happiness. Trust me, when you get over all this and the day comes that you find you find yourself smiling to yourself, it will be sweet. You only know the value of being happy when you’ve experienced the suffucation of misery.

    Get well and I hope to see you back on WordPress soon.

    All the best,

    Teen.

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