I See Sunny Skies Despite the Rain

The moon hangs low in the sky this evening, much like the persona of my soul in its alabaster box. My thoughts float from subject to subject, unable to catch a glimpse of the sleep my body so desperately craves. My eyes, wide awake with the glow of a thousand starry skies, flit back and forth across the blackness of my room—I am wide awake and it is 2:03 in the morning. Although for the most part my insomniac tendencies have passed away, there are nights, much like tonight, where I find myself unable to get to rest. My mind races with the power of a dozen horses, my heart beats loudly within my chest—I am wide-eyed and thoughtful, aware of my every musing. I have had quite the sum on my mind lately, it seems. I have found myself often both physically and mentally exhausted, even when my day has not been comprised of much more than some nonchalant hours of studying. I make up in my mind that it is due to all of the changes that are currently taking my place, or, in retrospect, the milestones of recovery that I am achieving. It was decided this past Friday that I was ready to start back at school for half of my time, including the all-terrifying lunch hour. This, in itself, is a huge step for me. The people, the noise, the social atmosphere..it gives me chills just thinking about it. However, I know that I am strong enough to start moving forward in my recovery and for me this is the next big step. Also on Friday, I went to my first OA meeting since I have been home. I received my reestablishment chip, marking the day that I decided to get back on my recovery path and out of the darkness I was so close to chasing once again. It has been a horrific struggle the past few days, my mind taunting me with ugly thoughts of my self-worth and distorted images of my body, my blood craving a metallic debauchery against its cold veins, the Voice sanctioning my disgust with thoughts of restriction. However, in the face of these obstacles I have remained strong in my truth—I am still abstinent, clean, and self-harm free for exactly two days now. To many, two days seems barely worth noting, much less celebrating. In fact, it almost sounds like something to be ashamed of. Nevertheless, anyone who battles knows just how significant those two miniscule days truly are—they are motivation to keep moving forward. Today, as I get ready to face the many challenges that no doubt lie ahead, I will remember each person in this world, and keep their lives on my heart today. I will fight face-to-face with my disease and stand up for what I deserve. I will face life head-strong, knowing in my soul that this is right where I belong. My recovery is far from perfect, but I must believe that without a doubt, it is ALWAYS worth it.

~ by candyshele1204 on October 7, 2012.