What Does Not Kill Me Makes Me Stronger

I may be weak in the head, but my heart is resilient. Down here upon the ground, I feel fragmented and unaided—but I am neither of those things. I am strong in the heart and my willpower courses through my veins. My blood pumps with the opulent, sweet taste of victory over this disease. It is in my genes, in my every cell, the supremacy to keep defeating this monster. Am I a quitter? Do I deserve to wither away? NO. I am a fighter. Getting here, to this place I am currently, was hard as hell. Thus, who am I to believe the rest of my battle to be easy? It will not be. And that is okay.

I am not perfect, and my recovery will not be perfect. I will make (and have made) many slips and screw-ups in this journey. I will wake up some days with the strongest disposition to cut, use drugs, or starve. I will want nothing more than to die in that moment, and may even think to suicide as my answer. But, it is in those moments, such as the past few days, when I will find my inner strength. It is in those very moments, those vital, horrid seconds, when I will discover that my next decision will make or break me. Having these thoughts does not make oneself a screw-up, for lack of better wording; it just makes us human. I am human, for my flesh desires what my soul knows to be wrong. I will fall down, make mistakes, and feel imperfect quite possibly many days. It is these days, though, when my choice as to what to do next will prove that I am the strong, confident woman in recovery that I know myself to be.

As I sit here this morning, writing by the light of the rising sun, I muse silently over the past few weeks, and the choices I have made. Then, as almost a sign from the universe, I feel okay with myself and those selections because I am still here, battling. The day will never come when I will put down this shield and sword, ‘for I will always be a soldier in my own mind’s battleground.

Beauty lives in the ashes, and it is my choice to see my slip-ups as a chance to prove to myself that I am so much more than what ails me. ❤

~ by candyshele1204 on September 24, 2012.