A moment of honesty

A moment of honesty: My anorexia has gotten out of control. The cutting, the restricting, I am at my extreme. It almost as if it is a game to me, to find my body’s breaking point. I cannot say that I have just relinquished all control, succumbing wholly to the Voice..I am in more of a paralysis, so to speak. My energy has been eviscerated from my being, every ounce of energy and conscious thought sucked like venom from my veins, leaving a corpse in a satin-laced coffin. I had found some hope in a residential center I had sought out, been told that it was unaffordable, told again that it would work out, only to discover a final time that our final plan had failed; ‘thus, leaving me to resort to my last resort: Mercy Ministries. I found out about Mercy Ministries while I was searching the internet one evening, and was amused at how a place could provide treatment free of charge. So, I took the initiative to check it out, and finally started the admittance process yesterday evening. I was under the impression that by “wait list,” they were speaking along the lines of a couple of weeks, give or take a few days. To my complete and utter dismay, however, I was told last night that at best it would be mid-late July before I could get in. Devastation did not hit me entirely yet, though my soul did experience some degree of dejection, because I knew that once it came I would finally be able to begin my recovery. That’s when the news articles started popping up. Every search engine imaginable brought up horrific stories of abuse at Mercy places, and although I do not trust the internet as far as I can throw it, I cannot say that the articles/accounts do not frighten me to no avail. I can’t help but wonder if they are true, and if I began the process of getting myself hurt even further, as if that is humanely possible. Either way, I am scared. I am scared because as I look in the mirror at this present moment, I see how sick I have become. I see the bruises lining up my spine, where the bones have pushed so hard against the skin they hold the constant, bluish-black color. I see the way my head seems disparate from my body, almost like it is the head of someone else, disproportionate in all of its manner. I wince as I clean up another wad of my hair, where it has fallen out again, and I cringe at the pain I experience now just sitting up—it hurts to be alive. If there is any one fact of which I am currently certain, it is this: I am now waiting. I know that one of two things are going to happen, and I no longer have the strength to do anything but await whichever happens first. Either I will get into treatment by some miraculous circumstance, or I will die. I say this with the upmost sincerity. I am not fishing for pity or to make my situation sound worse than it is; I am simply just admitting to the facts. The fact that I can no longer walk from room-to-room without becoming out of breath. The fact that I have yet to be able to physically handle an entire day of school without having to leave early. The fact that I no longer feel any sensation of emotion or appetite whatsoever, and that I cannot even seem to bring myself to eat my self-decided “safe foods.” I am dying, faster than is in my control, and it honestly scares me to death. (No pun intended.) It’s ironic, isn’t it? The suicidal girl claiming a fear of death? I cannot help but laugh at the ridiculousness, but it is only I that will understand: I only want death to come when I decide. I’ve been battling rather brutally with the thoughts lately, but there is a reason I’ve yet to act on them this time. But now, death is pulling me under more and more each day and I cannot will myself to do a bloody thing about it. My depression has entwined itself in me so duteously, so delicately that I have experienced more days in the last week of feeling like I am in a continual state of subconsciousness that I presently am not able to be certain if I am really typing this or not. Wednesday afternoon I started talking to this guy at school, telling him of something or another, only for him to stare back at me in confusion—the dream was so real that I thought it had happened, that we had the conversation. I am still convinced. Last night the confusion/blackness was so strong that I wanted nothing more than to be at peace in the void of my dreams. In my frantic anxiety attack in front of the mirror, I succumbed to seducing that horrid Voice with the taste of sweet medication. Ashamed and throbbing, I crawled into bed and fell under the spell of the moon. As all of this chaos wreaks its havoc within/on me, I am still holding tight to my advocate-testimonial project I would like to start. I plan on publically announcing (via Facebook) to all my school/ other friends and acquaintances of what exactly is wrong with me. Thursday afternoon I finally had enough of hearing what the latest rumor was, or the nurse who had the nerve to tell me how much she envied my body after taking my weight at a convenient care clinic. Not only do I want to be open about my battle in order to “stick it to the man,” per say, but I feel that it is my purpose to save the lives of other people. I hope that perhaps I can prevent, or even just raise awareness on these illnesses, by publically revealing my own. More strongly fueling my determination of “coming out”, however, is the fact that I am not sure how much longer I have left. I have made a lot of mess in these 17 years, and if I am going to die in two weeks, or 8 months, I want my final wish and breath to be spent on attempting to make some sort of change. For all of you out there who have been supporting me throughout the time I started this blog, I thank you ten-times through. I apologize for disappointing any of you who may expect more strength from me, but I made the promise to be honest with this blog. I will assure you, moreover, that I have not given up, nor do I have any plans on doing so. I am merely communicating my absolute exhaustion, fear, and hopeless in which I am frozen. I ask that each and every one of you continue fighting and never give up for the rediscovery of your life. I am still hoping for an end to this misery, though my pages of hope have long-time seen their endings..

~ by candyshele1204 on May 19, 2012.

16 Responses to “A moment of honesty”

  1. Oh dear! You have to be strong… I can somehow relate to what you’re dealing with. Don’t ask me how! Please don’t let yourself be hurt in any way. You have to be strong, you already know that- you have to fight it- you have to deal with it- you have to overcome this pertaining situation in your life.
    Just talk to some one- I know this is the hardest thing to do- but finally you have to do it… talk to some one trustworthy- the being who persists in your real life not particularly cyber one- seek that person’s help. Its all emotional- what you’re dealing with has got everything to do with how you feel, how you think, how your emotions swirl around in your mind.
    Be strong… Try… Try hard… Try even harder- do it for yourself… help yourself… learn to love yourself!
    I have got another suggestion- there must be some help lines available- search for them on google.. try them- may be they would be able to help you bring back the confidence you should have in yourself.
    I hope you get over it soon and have a blessed life ahead!

    • Thank you for your encouragement, and I am sorry that you can relate..but I feel that talking is not enough. I have been going to my OP clinic for 5 years now, every week, where I talk to my therapist and attend group therapy..I cannot seem to help myself. Perhaps I am defective.

      • Still you know you’re strong because you are and that is what matters. If you keep your spirits high and continue to have faith in yourself, you would be the end-winner.
        All the Best, for the final fight is yours. All those who care about you(count me in now) are hereby supporting you.

  2. Well like isn’t the right word it should be we are here for you hun and we will be no matter how down or weak you feel. It has to be one day at a time I could slap the stupid nurse for you she should know better. I have never had the anorexia part but I have fought those black clouds of depression and know how hard it can be to believe the sun will ever break through them but I promise you one day it will. Maybe it is time to share with those around you what is going on maybe just maybe the miracle is there somewhere infact i would actually go one step further if you have the bravery to do it and this wont be easy. But have you considered now is the time possibly to really save maybe not only your own life but others by taking this to the press. Let them know the stance insurance is taking on your illness, the lack of available treatment, I dont think given that health reforms are big news over there right now that you would have too much trouble finding a journalist willing to take on the story. but as i say you have to be ready to let everyone know whats going on and only you know if you are ready for that. until then will keep the cogs ticking over trying to think of a way to get you the help you deserve

    • I actually thought about taking this to the press, but I did not know where exactly to start. I just know that something has to give, you know? And thank you; I am truly eternally grateful for that. Someway, somehow, something has to work out.

  3. Let’s talk till late July or early August, and after going in one of those ministries, don’t forget me.

    I will be waiting after the treatment, right here, to know how it went. And I know it will be good, very good, and you will be ok, even though being ok scares you, but you will be ok and will feel better about it.

    And then, we will talk more, about other things, about things you like, and things you don’t like, and whatever you will want to talk about, talk until you will get real bored of me.

    And still, I would like you to stay, as a friend, and I know you will stay….

    May God give you all you want, All the Best!!

    • I will not forget you, I promise. You have opened my eyes to so many things. You words mean so much to me, and I greatly appreciate it. You are right; I am scared to be okay, but I know that it will be okay to feel that way. And I can talk, I can talk for hours until no more words can come out of my soul. I will still, as a friend, I won’t go anywhere. My warmest of wishes to you.

      • I am not sure if it is me who has opened your eyes or it is the other way around, though I guess it goes for both of us.

        Talk, and with me willing to listen, words will surely never stop, and the soul will open a new gateway, and they will flow, just like the never ending flow of water in the river.

        I know you will stay, I want that too, but I have been left alone so many times, by so many people, that even when you will be there, right in front of me, at touching distance, I will always be afraid that you might leave one day. Hopefully, I will overcome that too, with you strengthening the cause.

        Thanks for the warm wishes. Keep your heads up. And know this, you are not alone, never will be, not with me breathing here, in a different part of the world.

      • I think it has occurred for us both.

        I can talk, and listen, and the words I hold back will oneday ensue their journey off the tip of my tongue, no longer held back by fear’s discrepancy between all that is tangible and true.

        I understand your worry; ‘for I am one in the same. The expectation held for people when so many before have broken their promises is one of rather low levels..it’s difficult, but trust comes with time, and with time comes the truth. It will always be revealed.

        I will remember in my darkest hours that I am not alone. I will sanction the breath within my lungs, breathing in the saltiness of alkaline air and remember that across the world, another heart beats in line.

      • “but trust comes with time, and with time comes the truth. It will always be revealed.”

        I have plenty of time, or at least I feel that way, but you never know what life might throw at you.

        The Truth! My favorite thing, give me that and only that. Even if it comes at cost of hurting me, still I will want it, more than anything.

        Don’t worry about remembering me in the darkest hours, remember me whenever you want, cause the heart will still beat in line, and maybe the thought of me will delay the dark hour, or even stop it from coming. (too much optimism or a come on line, you decide ;)).

      • Life is an ever-widening road of fallicies and hidden tangents. The fear of traveling the road on foot holds shields our eyes from the over-bearingness of a forsaken sun, but it cannot conceal us from the stones scattered about our feet.

        I will give you the truth, always, because it is the truth that I request in return.

        If the darkest hour is but only a few seconds delayed, then in those few seconds the source of my dissapated hope will be cracked open behind its pristing walls that conceal it so. ( I suppose I could take it either way, depending on the weather of the day. 😉 ).

  4. It’s good you’re posting. As long as you’re alive there is hope. I’m sorry things have gotten so out-of -control for you. If you want to stay in this world you’ll need to fight for it. I’m not sure how much engery you have but you’ll need to use it to advocate for your life. Your life is worth fighting for. You have value; the fact you were born gives you the right to live.

    Call, text, email everyone you can to help you get into a free treatment program. You don’t have time to be sad now, be sad later; now you need to fight.

    • You are exactly right. Last night I posted on Facebook about everything..no one in my life knows. However, the amount of encouragement, support and the feelings of purpose I recieved from their comments gave me this feeling of hope, and an immaculate amount of strength to carry on. I am currently still working on finding other free treatment programs. If you, or any one else, know of any please feel free to mention them here. thank you for your support and my warmest of wishes to you. ❤

  5. […] A moment of honesty (lifewillcomeback.wordpress.com) […]

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