Fear, relief, and everything in-between..

If I could wrap my mind around the emotions, if I could construct a single sentence with all these jumbled words that clamber and collide within my head, I would still be unable to convey to you the perplexity of the utter ambivalence of which I do feel. The deep aching inside my chest as I cough undermines the throbbing pain of yet another sleepless night. My mind is like an open grassland, open, vast, yet no tangible substance all the while. This past week dragged on in tired sighs, with its late night study sessions and walking comas. By Friday morning, the tiny vat of energy I had managed to withhold had drained itself dry, and I clearly resembled the half-dead zombie I have become. After I was sent home early from school yet again, my parents came to me with a proposition, offered on behalf of the substitute nurse at my school, in regard to my dying state of being. My insurance agreed that they would cover 7 days of my stay (a big whopping $1000 of the ultimate $61,000 cost), which sparked an idea between Mirasol, my parents, and I: I will go to residential for seven days, the cost of which will be covered by Blue Cross, and after those seven days, financial advisors at the place will contact my insurance company, telling them that there are serious medical conditions that still need to be attended. In other words, twisting the company’s ankle into paying for the rest. The downside is that there is no gurantee that this plan will work, which would end rather horrifically in my parents’ more-so debt. However, we are praying for the best and hoping, by a miracle, that somehow things will work out no matter what. All that we are certain of at the moment is that I indubitably need help one way or the other.

I am not entirely certain if I could pinpoint my exact feelings towards what is about to take place in a few weeks. I am relieved that I will finally be able to receive some help—I have come to the realization that sometimes, we cannot do everything on our own..I can admit now that I am very sick. I can admit now that I can no longer do this on my own. But, I also will admit that I am scared to death. I am terrified of gaining weight, even the slightest ounce, though I am aware that I will die all-to-quickly if I do not. I know that my heart rate is dangerously low, yet I cannot imagine it being any higher, and “healthier.” Anything on me that is “healthy,” the Voice says, by goodness is automatically the essence of me being a fat lard. The amount of self-hatred, worthlessness, and utter disgust at which I hold on myself is far too great for me to ever imagine it being anything less, much less the minute chance that I could ever feel okay with me. I have held these feelings, these standards for myself for as long as I can remember. I can recall having my first “disordered” thought when I was eight years old—I can picture the exact moment, down to what I was wearing. Anorexia, as well as my depression and anxiety, have defined me for as long as I have been able to stand upon my own two feet. They were bore within me, growing throughout my childhood as the events and aspects of my analytical, perfectionistic personality fed coal into their fire. And now, at seventeen, I am convinced that my life is over—that this is all I will ever be, what I deserve to be. I feel that I deserve to rot in my agonizing hell, withering away like a snagged ribbon of lace.

I am terrified of what “better” holds.

I am terrified to be “okay.”

But I know that recovery is a long process, and that you are never truly “cured.”

And I know that I will have to fight this the rest of my life.

However, I know that I owe it to my loved ones to fight this battle. T

The purpose of my life will be rediscovered once these bottled ashes are opened again.

~ by candyshele1204 on May 13, 2012.

12 Responses to “Fear, relief, and everything in-between..”

  1. You are afraid to be okay, to be fine, but it might just be because you have been like this for so long, that you don’t understand or are not ready to think yourself as fine and healthy again….

    But don’t you worry, everything will be fine, just concentrate on getting better and your loved ones there and a friend here, will take care of the rest, or will at least try to make it all fine….

    Let the countdown begin…..We all are with you.

    • You are right..the fear comes from the unknown..
      Thank you so much..I will try to make the most of this experience..I appreciate your friendship and support so much.

      Indeed, it shall begin..

  2. Your pain sounds so immense. Realizing that you can’t do this alone is a major progressive step and I am sure it is one that has taken some time to achieve. Helping ourselves is sometimes hard especially with so much self-loathing, but if we can try to even aim for allowing others to help us, we can keep going forward. Good luck and I am sending you best wishes for the next few weeks 🙂

    • It it..it was a major breakthrough for me personally. It will be the hardest thing I have ever done, but I have to do this..no matter how scared I am. Thank you for your support and kindness. My best wishes to you, my dear. ❤

  3. Its okay to be scared anyone in your place would be but gradually those fear will once again be replaced by dreams. Dreams of all you can and will become. Depression will always be there waiting to try to raise its dark lurking head but with the right help you learn how to keep the monster at bay. To face our fears is always the biggest test and guess what you already passed that you know you are scared you know what scares you but you are going ahead anyway. I could not be any more proud of nyou if you were my own flesh and blood. Take things one day at a time don’t let yourself get to caught up in worrying about what comes next (easy to say I know) I don’t know if you are on twitter but I have a friend on there who also suffers from depression who had just tweeted before I read this which is why i thought of it. Each night before she signs off she does her gratitude tweet basically to help her focus on the positive rather than the negative. so here is what she does each day she names five small things she has been grateful for things like a beautiful sunset, the birds she heard singing, the guy who held a door for her and smiled, the smell of fresh coffee you get my gist… It might be a stupid idea but why not try including one either in your twitter if you tweet of here. Just a suggestion might not help but you never know

    • I completely agree; the fact that I’m doing this, that I took the initiative is major for me. I really like that idea of a gratified tweet. I don’t have a twitter, but I could use Facebook and here and I think it is a lovely idea that would really help me. Thank you.

    • Interesting thing. I liked the idea, and will use it if will be down. Thanks for sharing.

  4. I know I’ve told you this an innumerable amount of times, but words cannot convey how proud I am of you. Reading this reminds me how honored I am to be able to call you my best friend, and more like a sister, to be honest. No matter what happens, know that I will always be here, standing beside you and fighting alongside you. I love you, precious girl, and you mean the absolute world to me. Stay strong, precious.

  5. You are so brave to be facing up to this, I’m glad you have the support of your family and hope the treatment is everything you hope to be. I wish you the best of luck xx

  6. *you hope IT to be. Damn not being able to edit comments!

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