Is my leap destined to drown?

I want to push my body to the edge. I hunger to flirt with losing all control. I am addicted to the melancholy mellifluousness of the pain. There are times, times that I long to carve in stone- if and only for my own memory’s sake- that I see the decay as it has engulfed me.  I see the lines, what I have lost, and all that is fading from me. I feel the spinning, the weakness, and I perceive myself—the sickness I delineate. However, these moments are far and brief and not near as resilient as the others of which I suffocate within each second. I always fall back to seeing what It wants me to see, and what I, nevertheless, believe to be there.

It is exhausted, excruciating, and I am far beyond tired. I want out. Living a life of an insatiable motive of inexorable control is truly, the most energy-zapping activity there is. Incongruously, I think that I perhaps burn more calories thinking about how awful I am than I do actually doing the things that make me so awful. Life is full of paradoxes. I am troubled by the fact that my dry sense of humor does nothing for the agonizing mauling of the noise inside my head.

I find myself becoming more and more unable to think, concentrate, and even properly vocalize a sentence. I read somewhere that as starvation persists, the brain actually begins to shrink in size, and ‘thus also slowly slurps away your IQ. I wonder where I am at in regard to that notion. I am not entirely sure that I am ready to say goodbye to Ivy Leagues.

My last doctor’s visit this past Tuesday resulted in various instances of rather heated debates and long, wretched episodes of grimy tears. After evaluation of my rather profound deterioration in the five day period from my previous visit, I was informed of the new rules of the game: considering I cannot come back to the clinic until the end of May due to college finals/AP exams, I will be given until June 12th to gain a few pounds and get my heart rate out of the danger zone. If I come back on the 12th of June and my vitals are the same as or worse than this past Tuesday’s, my parents and treatment team will be arranging for my prolonged stay at one of few select residential treatment centers. Two reasons that this proposition rallied my extreme anger and distress: One, such provisions would ultimately result in my not graduating from high school, attending my JUST-received job, and various other major things that are rather important to me. Besides the fact of my impending education enhancement and therefore entire future is at stake, I DO NOT WANT TO GO. I DO NOT want to have to gain all my weight back in a forced manner when the thought of staying the apparently deadly weight that I am currently scares the living daylights out of me. I DO NOT want to spend 11 hours in therapy every day, talking to some stranger about the degree to which suicidal thoughts engulf my thoughts, the awful things that I do, my childhood, my past, the present and how actually, yes, it’s so much easier to starve than to pick up the fork. I do not want to become a prisoner. I already am imprisoned in my own mind, my happiness an inevitable goal I will never reach. Why cause myself to hate myself even more?

I realize that I am presented with an ultimatum, so to speak. I am frightened, scared to absolute death (quite literally) and I cannot even put into words how hysterical I have become. However, I know, deep down, that I have to do this. I have to do something. If not for myself (‘for it will be a rather long time before I can truly say that) than let it be for my loved ones, the world, and for the sake of the dreams people hold for me.

~ by candyshele1204 on April 28, 2012.

13 Responses to “Is my leap destined to drown?”

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  2. I don’t know the reasons for which you hate yourself….I don’t know you current condition too….but I do not agree on intentionally deteriorating oneself….

    Yes, some of us hate ourselves for what they have done or what they have been through, and there is not way we can escape the thought of hurting ourselves….but you really need to get hold of it, cause if you will not,it might be too late…

    Stay around, there are people who need you, who want you, who love you….Stay for them if not for yourself….

    Stay for the pain of the broken dreams…..But Stay…..

    • I know that you are right..and I guess that’s where I am now. I cannot will myself to believe I deserve to stay, therefore I am simply existing for the love I have for those dear to me..

      • Glad to know that you decided to stay for the people who are dear to you, soon you will start feeling that you deserve to stay too. Just be patient 😉

      • Ah, patience..they key that seems so out of reach. 😉

      • Nothing is out of reach…Spread your hands, hold the next ones, ask them to do the same, and no matter how far the key is, you will reach it. Trust me. 🙂

      • Thank you for your faith in me. I’m running on empty, I’m scared to death, and I barely have the energy to keep my eyes open anymore..but I’m still fighting.

      • Exactly why is it this way? Why are you empty, scared…..

        Shall I drop a pic so that you will keep your eyes open ( Just Kidding) 😉

      • I know that it’s absurd, but as much pain as I hold, I am afraid of being “better” because I have been this why for as long as I can illness has taken all of me, and the emptiness is comfortable, bearable even when faced with the fear of the unknown..

        I will utilize the upmost strength in my entirety. (you shall 😉 )

      • Been there….done that….

        Its not absurd….

        I feel that at times…. the emptiness is much better than the other things that come around…..

        But I got tired…I knew that I was destructing myself, and decided to walk away….now when I look back, I see that I am changed, almost dead…. though there is still a part that feels the same way, the part that I am not allowed to show to people around me….

        I wish I was there…. All the best…

        Don’t ever give up on yourself, cause when you will do so, you will not just give up on yourself, but on me too…..

      • Im so sorry to hear this..however, you know I can completely emphasize..

        I made it to a better place once..but I lost it in less than two months, to where I am now, my lowest of rock bottoms..

        I have faith in you. You can defy any battle. You deserve it, whether you believe that or not. I know I don’t know you, but even a million miles away, I will not give up on you.

        I had a rather big break-through last night..I decided to look into checking in to a residential treatment facility ( which, if you don’t know, is like a rehab of sorts for eating disorders/depression/other co-occurring illnesses..I’m freaking out, but I know it’s something I have to do..

      • If there was an option, I might have done things differently… but from where I stand, I don’t have any other choice then to defy any battle….to fight it, no matter how hard it is, to win it, and not to let go….

        I hope I will give you strength, the way you have given it to me…. I guess I just found a friend, no matter how far, but a friend for sure….someone who knows what it is like….

        All the Best for your endeavors! And whenever you will need me, I will always be around, not physically, but there with you, somewhere in your head….

      • I understand. We don’t always know what to do when it seems we’ve tried becomes numb..bearable..cyclic.

        I am glad that you gain some sense of strength from me. That is all I hope. Thank you, and thank you for understanding.

        I truly appreciate that. This knowledge helps know no matter how alone I feel, I am not entirely. My best wishes to you as well.

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