A Mouth-Watering, Bone-tender, Sautéed to Perfection Proposal in Order to Put a Lid Over the Sharply Fattening Vat of Translucent-Skinned, Sallow-Eyed, Manic-Depressive, Pharmaceutical-Regulars Whose Condition is Incomprehensible/Unacceptable to the Other 4,920,000,000 People Residing Within the World

**I wrote this satirical essay for my AP-Language class yesterday evening, in order to raise awareness on this issue, and thought I would share it with you. I love writing satire, because it really helps to vent anger when just the right person ticks you off. Enjoy.**


In this day and age, over 18% of the world’s population suffers from an eating disorder, the majority of which inevitably die early on in life from complications caused by the lack of nutrients. Of those, more than half cannot obtain health insurance because of their “pre-existing condition.” I dare you to take a guess as to who so (un)knowingly pays for their medical expenses, funerals, and treatment when these attention-seekers’ own pockets have paid all they can give? That’s correct; your tax dollars are helping to repay those very debts. How do you feel knowing your hard-earned dough is going towards celery-munchers and exercise addicts? In the midst of recovery from a pitfall of unemployment and debt in our nation, every precious dollar counts when it comes to where your money goes. While the majority helps to relieve medical providers from the burden of those unpaid bills, a particularly minute amount goes towards grants for the two nationally accredited non-profit organizations that lose sleep at night researching a cure. This trifling percentage is aimed at helping to eliminate the possibility of these organizations wasting the government’s bank account on helping those who, as one member of the National Fund for Curing What’s Killing Our People group described, “apparently need mommy and daddy to spoon-feed them.”

While this plump problem of walking skeletons and acid spitting overeaters devouring our money in their pitiful decisions is caused by numerous factors (most of which, might I add, we cannot even BEGIN to scrape the bottom of the brownie batter bowl with a ten foot tablespoon of help) there is one supposed aspect that our society of technology-savvy consumers can indeed resolve: the media. Now, upon the blatant shock that such an accusation may have provided you, it is highly conceivable that you frantically thought aloud: “America’s Next Top Model! Victoria’s Secret Angels! I cannot possibly live without seeing ultra-thin young women, with their sullen skin and heart palpitations disguised behind a pound of concealer, prance around in tastily-risqué bikinis!”  Relax. I am not suggesting the complete elimination every forty-two inch television and glamor magazine, but rather a reformation of the way certain images and notions are portrayed to the public. One in every eleven television commercials is designed to promote weight loss or beauty in the form of plastic surgery, makeup, or fashion. The models for these ads, the cover-girls of magazines, and even the majority of our idol actresses (in other words, society’s perfect humans) are at least 15%-18% under the weight that is within the healthy range for both their height and age. While the bulk of our world’s inhabitants remain level-headed in the face of the media (craving the bodies of those perfectly emaciated beauties, setting standards for how their next suitor should look, and raising children to “eat this, not that”) we must remember those 1,236,582,000 other men, women, teens, and children as young as five years old whose low self-esteem and predisposition via genetics will inevitably cause them to wind up in one of the world’s few rehab inpatient facilities (which, might I warn you, could gobble up to $40,000 of your CEO salary every year).

One may advocate that we take the easy route to solving this unfortunate crisis of media’s perpetual influence by simply removing all of the commercials deemed as “triggers” by these sensitive salad-stuffers. However, the sheer exertion and money that such an action would consume is one that would most likely bake to yield a plate full of revolts on behalf of the remaining percentage of Earth’s happily ignorant residents. Therefore, it is within my paramount honor that I propose to you my skillfully crafted and surely effective plan: Rather than deleting these ads and models from the forefront of pop-culture, we must simply replace them. Instead of the classic “Weight Watchers” and “Biggest Loser” campaigns, let us create a program designed for “weight gainers.” As opposed to having size double-zero models, let us replace all of those living makeup and clothing mannequins with animals, such as an elegant French Poodle to flaunt Chanel’s latest ensemble, or a fierce tiger to pounce his paws in a pair of Dolce and Gabana’s spicy stilettos. Admittedly, such a drastic change certainly cannot happen overnight. Aside from the possibility of a public uproar, we wouldn’t want those heart arrhythmia-laden dieters to undergo heart failure, now would we? As opposed to enforcing these ramifications relatively instantaneously, we must gently introduce the public to them in small, manageable portion sizes. For instance, we may begin with allowing a Komodo Dragon to accompany one of Calvin Klein’s models, both of which shall don the latest beauty must-have. After a succulent appetizer of the animals unto the runway scene softens everyone to the new modern room-temperature, the chosen animals may then be distributed into all makeup, fashion, and various other true beauty necessities, sporting some deliciously slimming eye shadow alongside society’s venerated splendors. A grandiose amount of time shall not pass before all of humanity’s perfect people are completely replaced by colorful chameleons, proper polar bears, and sexy snakes.

Incontrovertibly, my plan may emit a flaw or two, despite its obvious future of exceptional effectiveness. What shall result if these reforms expose those of weak self-esteem to thoughts of, say, a desire to remodel their looks based upon the new animal models? We are all well aware of our culture’s ravenous emphasis on appearance; ‘for is it not dress size that determines our worth? Is it not only proper practice to submit one’s delicate skin to millions of deadly, ultra-violent light rays nine times a week because a pale, natural tone is nothing but a sixteenth century calamity? Is it not one’s clothes and sex appeal that will provide them that stellar job, as opposed to their unique personality and (God-forbid) natural talents? Inevitably so, I must divulge that the percentage of residents who just aren’t good enough will indeed recommence in attempting to live up to today’s standards. (Ah, but now I do believe that there is no scientific evidence of harm in the consumption of Kibbles and Bits to shape up those frontal canines, as opposed to those frail individuals endeavoring to imitate French model Isa Perfectiounne’s self-named “Lunch of a Champion”—composed of one twelve ounce diet water, 3 fiber-filling cigarettes, and if you’re still not quite full, one or two three-inch slices of non-fat, sugar-free, low-carb, all natural, organic, low-sodium celery is the icing on the cake.)

However, if I may so be so bold, allow me to suggest that we all have a look at the extra advantages that would furthermore create a need to celebrate with a toast consisting of a thimble-full of 35% less-sugar, champagne-flavored water. Among the most prevalent bonuses our society will gain from the enactment of my plan, networks, modeling agencies, and even the government will save a tremendous amount of money, enabling them to add that necessary extra three bedroom condo to their multi-trillion dollar houses, or perhaps a nice private airplane for those weekly trips to Italy. Instead of having to pay their actors, models, and research groups a rather podgy sum of money for their current work, a few barrels of dog chow and perhaps some cans of cat nip would be the only obligatory money spent. On top of the amount of money that would be saved by society’s most-powerful and influential people, it would not take near as much effort or cash to airbrush an average American, per say, to what is commonly labeled as “plus size,” than it currently does to reduce the figure into the modern-day definition of all that is desirable and perfected within a fifteen inch waist.

Not only would each resident of the world keep a little more cash in their pocket each year, but the poor, sick individuals themselves would also indubitably be helped. By reconstructing the standards and guidelines for what is acceptable, we would be helping to eliminate what professional therapists explain as “triggering of eating disorder behaviors.” There would be no burden on society to speak of such a frowned upon subject, as no talk would be necessary, and no need for public awareness of such a disturbing mental affliction. Even if that advantage is just wishful believing on my behalf, there is the inevitable possibility of the death of all sufferers by suffocation, being as if they attempt to don a miniature-teacup Yorkie’s diamond collar themselves, lack of full oxygen-capabilities will wreak havoc on their damaged, sickly hearts, resulting in more money and land for everyone. Quick fix to the recession, eh?

Therefore, and I claim this in the most modest manner of which lies within my capability, I believe that there is truly no other alternative. Being as the first reported case of these disordered eaters appeared in the mid-seventeenth century, we obviously have yet to develop an elsewise effective method. Using the word “anorexic” as a description of any woman who skips lunch, creating a plethora of jokes in regards to the disorders, and publicizing the illnesses as something to be ashamed of—thereby deeming it a “hush, hush” topic—one may rightfully conclude that our society has failed to create the type of impact that is hankered. Granted, unless they are the sufferer themself, one can never even remotely understand anything about the thoughts, battles, fears, and physical pain accompanied by the presence of an eating disorder. However, a vast majority of society’s members cannot even discern the first signs of an eating disorder (much less escort the knowledge of what all is entitled) ‘thus why start now? Because of how little talk regarding to eating disorders is considered acceptable today, unless you are diagnosed, close to someone that is diagnosed, or happen to pick up a medical journal for the number one leading cause of death amongst adolescent girls aged sixteen to twenty-five, the statistical probability of the word completely vanishing from the vocabulary of mankind by 2014 has risen to over 82.06% (which, mind you, is afore my proposed solution).

As the true brilliancy of my strategically devised plan satiates the world’s ubiquitous hunger of ignorant-bliss, one may stumble upon this question: “Is there not a more serious issue to which we should devote our time?” You see, my proposal accounts for this. By the virtual elimination of words such as anorexia and bulimia from our knowledge and/or vocabulary via the remodeling of one source-the media-the issue practically transmits itself into nonexistence, being as the copy-cats will most likely groom themselves to death. With the problem gone, we would have much more time (and money) to catch up on the world’s more prominent concerns, such as the latest shocking photographs of the President playing catch with his daughters or the newest study in regards to the top five ways to boost your texting speed. We can all continue to willingly devote even more of our attention to such matters as we cast looks of disgust at those manic-depressives with the jutting collarbones, refuse to educate physicians on the warning symptoms, and turn a shoulder towards the thought of ensuing further research on how genetics could possibly be one treatable factor in the development of an eating disorder. Let us completely remove the current two sentences regarding the topic that presently reside within our school-provided health books—why subject our kids to something so lethal? Let us continue to decline to refer to such disorders as psychiatric illnesses—since when is refusing to eat anything but a conscious decision? Let us resume forcing the image of perfection unto our children, causing them to attempt living up to those standards of which they will always fall short—children really should refrain from chocolate milk if they expect to fit into their prom dresses, correct? All of society will be permitted to carry on with their undermining of the importance of individuality and achievements, while simultaneously choosing to glorify the angles of one’s legs or flawless nose.

As our society appeases their appetite of the continuation of disregarding anything deeper than the length of their calf-squat, those millions of chronically-ill and depressed people (who, might I add, are under the ever-lasting control of some demanding voice, residing deep within their minds, that consistently screams lies of how little they are worth every single second of their lives) will all continue to die and ‘thus escape from the protracted hell in which they burned; ‘for, I suppose that if the knowledge/time to understand the illness and its causes is not available, the issue disappears, correct? And besides, the saying is undeniably true—awareness really does make your butt look fat, and that is something we simply cannot have.

~ by candyshele1204 on March 30, 2012.

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